theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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