I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
