This girl is more easily done than said...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
