Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
