I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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