Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
