i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
