Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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