she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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