afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
