I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm just crazy horny about you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
