DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
