I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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