I'm so fucking centered right now
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
