I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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