8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm really busy with my period
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