I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
