I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
