The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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