Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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