I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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