I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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