no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
