Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
