He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
