i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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