I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
