If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
