then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
