I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
