So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
