He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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