I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
