My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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