oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have aggressive nipples.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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