I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize