Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
