fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize