i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
