Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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