If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
