my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
