I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We need to get me chipped asap
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
