I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
