The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
