I have demons in me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
