I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize