I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
