it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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