btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Two words: nipple clamps
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