Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
