I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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