im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
