The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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