You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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