dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
