remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
