Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
